On 'RUOK Day' I looked in the mirror and decided
to be honest with myself. I came to understand that I really, really wasn't OK
and the effort of pretending otherwise wore me down even further. Losing my Mum
and adapting to life without her was a significant part of that, but the truth
is I've felt like shit (mentally) ever since the debacle of my Masters in 2005.
This became normal to me because I never confronted or resolved it. I just
tried to soldier on as best I could. I didn't want to hurt or upset people I
loved by letting them see anything was wrong, so I went through the motions.
Day after day, week after week and year after year, I painted on a brave face
and tried to convince myself I was fine. I hoped my belief would help create
the reality, but it was like treating a brain tumour with a bandaid.
For all my bluster and
bravado, I have little confidence in my ability to do anything much.
Whenever I succeed or achieve on any level, even with the simplest of everyday
tasks, no-one is more surprised than I am. I've tried to sort out my silly old
brain once before, and I found that process useful in the short term, but it
only helped with the symptoms rather than the cause because I couldn't admit
what the real problem was.
I'm tired of feeling
this way and I'm tired of disappointing myself and others with constant
subconscious sabotage. At present I use about a tenth of my ability because I
don't trust myself to let loose and find out what I'm really capable of. Fear
is to blame for this and, while I'll never eliminate it, I can and will learn
to push on in spite of it rather than hide behind it. I have big plans
over the next few years and, if I want them to succeed, I need to face my many
demons and take the buggers down. They, whoever They are, say 'behind every
cynic is a disappointed idealist'. I am determined to dig mine out of his
shallow grave, dust him down and let him breathe again. He's not dead, he's
just restin'. Or possibliy pinin' for the fjords.
